millenium_king (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} millenium_king) wrote, |
Critique
The following critique is blunt to the point of harshness. Do not read it if you are unsettled by tough criticism. Honesty is paramount to me.
Having long been a fan of your fantasy rants, I was rather pleased with the opportunity to finally read something which you wrote yourself. I had hoped for something which would grind most other fantasy books into the dust as, I too, am incredibly sick of the never-ending parade of banal fantasy. With that in mind I was pretty disappointed with this chapter.
This critique will break down each "problem area" and explain why it is an issue. The below points are not organized in any manner, some are general and some are specific. They are not in any particular order, but do follow the order of events in the chapter somewhat.
1. Beginning with a pronoun.
My disappointment began with the very first word which is a pronoun. This is a beginner's mistake and, quite frankly, I was surprised to see you make it. An opening like this is akin to "It was a dark and stormy night..." since the pronoun is referencing no discernible noun. In fact, neither the first nor second sentence provide any clue as to who "they" are. Worse still, the first paragraph ends with "them" in reference to an entirely different group. Talk about confusing!
2. PURPLE PROSE
I capitalized this problem because I think it is a big issue in this chapter. Right away (first sentence again) the prose gets bogged down in flowery metaphors that make very little sense and exist only to distract the reader and sound "poetic." Let's examine the first one:
"...a morning as bright as a fox's eye..."
What does this even mean? It sounds cute and "earthy" (in keeping with the two cultures you have created) but a "fox's eye" is not brighter than the eye of any other creature. In fact, some creatures have brighter eyes (like a golden-eyed snake) but I digress. The bottom line is that it doesn't work as a metaphor because a fox (while possibly clever) does not have bright eyes.
Let's examine another:
"Truth was like icicles. It did not grow best in all weathers and was only beautiful with the sun behind it."
This metaphor is quite possibly even more purple. After a few mental leaps I can infer what it means (sort of) but am left confused on some points. What does the sun represent? A good season to tell a truth? And when is that? Or does it represent something else? Basically this metaphor looks like it's trying to be "deep" and "poetic" but instead is merely distracting.
This section would have been much better with just a simple explanation of what you meant. In fact, just before this metaphor, you provide one - but then you muddy up the meaning with this useless, purple prose.
The following critique is blunt to the point of harshness. Do not read it if you are unsettled by tough criticism. Honesty is paramount to me.
Having long been a fan of your fantasy rants, I was rather pleased with the opportunity to finally read something which you wrote yourself. I had hoped for something which would grind most other fantasy books into the dust as, I too, am incredibly sick of the never-ending parade of banal fantasy. With that in mind I was pretty disappointed with this chapter.
This critique will break down each "problem area" and explain why it is an issue. The below points are not organized in any manner, some are general and some are specific. They are not in any particular order, but do follow the order of events in the chapter somewhat.
1. Beginning with a pronoun.
My disappointment began with the very first word which is a pronoun. This is a beginner's mistake and, quite frankly, I was surprised to see you make it. An opening like this is akin to "It was a dark and stormy night..." since the pronoun is referencing no discernible noun. In fact, neither the first nor second sentence provide any clue as to who "they" are. Worse still, the first paragraph ends with "them" in reference to an entirely different group. Talk about confusing!
2. PURPLE PROSE
I capitalized this problem because I think it is a big issue in this chapter. Right away (first sentence again) the prose gets bogged down in flowery metaphors that make very little sense and exist only to distract the reader and sound "poetic." Let's examine the first one:
"...a morning as bright as a fox's eye..."
What does this even mean? It sounds cute and "earthy" (in keeping with the two cultures you have created) but a "fox's eye" is not brighter than the eye of any other creature. In fact, some creatures have brighter eyes (like a golden-eyed snake) but I digress. The bottom line is that it doesn't work as a metaphor because a fox (while possibly clever) does not have bright eyes.
Let's examine another:
"Truth was like icicles. It did not grow best in all weathers and was only beautiful with the sun behind it."
This metaphor is quite possibly even more purple. After a few mental leaps I can infer what it means (sort of) but am left confused on some points. What does the sun represent? A good season to tell a truth? And when is that? Or does it represent something else? Basically this metaphor looks like it's trying to be "deep" and "poetic" but instead is merely distracting.
This section would have been much better with just a simple explanation of what you meant. In fact, just before this metaphor, you provide one - but then you muddy up the meaning with this useless, purple prose.