millenium_king (![[info]](http://www.insanejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} millenium_king) wrote, |
Critique (part 2)
3. Vague
If I had to sum up this chapter, this would be the one word I would choose to use. Perhaps I am just old-school or perhaps Phillip Pullman's irritating style of writing is actually best (I doubt it) but I think that the best style of writing is simple, vigorous and direct. Look at what happens in this chapter: SOME girl talks to SOME other girl about SOMETHING then leaves for SOMEWHERE for SOME reason. Then SOME boy overhears two other people talking about SOMETHING mysterious. Why do I want to read on again?
Most writers these days seem to enjoy opening with some very poorly defined scenario sprinkled with unknowable cultural references and excessive metaphor. Then they throw in the old "overheard conversation" where one character listens in on two other, older, wiser characters and hears what they say. Their comments are supposed to be deep and heavy with meaning. Their comments are supposed to make the reader want to know just what the hell they are talking about. But instead, the reader does not grow curious to read on, but instead just gets irritated because he is disoriented and confused. Have you ever read Arthur Machen, Lord Dunsany, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain, Kafka, Clark Ashton Smith or Johnathan Swift? The reader knows INSTANTLY what is going on and is drawn into the story without a bunch of trite, vague attempts at poetry.
The way you have started here is like Phillip Pullman in that it throws a bunch of stuff at the reader without anchoring them first which results in the reader being swept away in the tempest of vague happenings, bad metaphor and snatches of conversation that lack clear meaning (see? an effective metaphor!).
Look at everyone else's comments. The number one complaint, even with positive reviews, is that the chapter is vague and tough to make sense of.
Also, the frequent shifts in perspective do not help either.
4. Not Captivating
I have virtually no interest in where this story is headed. I was not captured within the first paragraph, second or third paragraph, first page, second or third page. By the time I get to the fifth all I know is that SOME girl has just become important for SOME reason. Everything is vague in order to make it seem mysterious, but instead it is just confusing. Compare your opening to that of "Dagon" by H. P. Lovecraft. After the FIRST sentence you want to read on and even though Dagon itself is left vague for some time, it never becomes confusing and as the story goes on Dagon grows only darker and more menacing.
5. Naming conventions
Laiskais? You have got to be kidding me. How do you even pronounce that? All of your names have been stumbling blocks (especially "Ulnocwa"). Making up names is difficult and I have seen precious few who have ever been good at it. Your names are difficult to sound out and they probably echo in an entirely different manner within my head than they do in yours. My advice is to use REAL names only (even if they are uncommon) and if you HAVE to use fake names, better to spell them as phonetically as possible. Is Laiskais pronounced "Lasskass" or "Lays-Kays?" Notice that I did not bring up the names of the other women, that is because they are so crammed full of letters that they are practically indistinguishable.
Again, a recurring theme amongst comments here (even for the anonymous person who thought this chapter was "Incredible") is that it is very difficult to tell who is who.
6. Disorientation
When Laiskais enters the Sister's wagon, it is impossible to tell what is going on! Why are you so fixated on being cute and withholding information? Just say that the Sister is a snake! Don't be cute and go "Ha ha! You thought she was a person! But no! Look, she slithers! See? She is a snake! Look how clever I am!"
The beauty in a story like this is not tricking the reader, but showing them openly the fantastic.
3. Vague
If I had to sum up this chapter, this would be the one word I would choose to use. Perhaps I am just old-school or perhaps Phillip Pullman's irritating style of writing is actually best (I doubt it) but I think that the best style of writing is simple, vigorous and direct. Look at what happens in this chapter: SOME girl talks to SOME other girl about SOMETHING then leaves for SOMEWHERE for SOME reason. Then SOME boy overhears two other people talking about SOMETHING mysterious. Why do I want to read on again?
Most writers these days seem to enjoy opening with some very poorly defined scenario sprinkled with unknowable cultural references and excessive metaphor. Then they throw in the old "overheard conversation" where one character listens in on two other, older, wiser characters and hears what they say. Their comments are supposed to be deep and heavy with meaning. Their comments are supposed to make the reader want to know just what the hell they are talking about. But instead, the reader does not grow curious to read on, but instead just gets irritated because he is disoriented and confused. Have you ever read Arthur Machen, Lord Dunsany, Edgar Allen Poe, Mark Twain, Kafka, Clark Ashton Smith or Johnathan Swift? The reader knows INSTANTLY what is going on and is drawn into the story without a bunch of trite, vague attempts at poetry.
The way you have started here is like Phillip Pullman in that it throws a bunch of stuff at the reader without anchoring them first which results in the reader being swept away in the tempest of vague happenings, bad metaphor and snatches of conversation that lack clear meaning (see? an effective metaphor!).
Look at everyone else's comments. The number one complaint, even with positive reviews, is that the chapter is vague and tough to make sense of.
Also, the frequent shifts in perspective do not help either.
4. Not Captivating
I have virtually no interest in where this story is headed. I was not captured within the first paragraph, second or third paragraph, first page, second or third page. By the time I get to the fifth all I know is that SOME girl has just become important for SOME reason. Everything is vague in order to make it seem mysterious, but instead it is just confusing. Compare your opening to that of "Dagon" by H. P. Lovecraft. After the FIRST sentence you want to read on and even though Dagon itself is left vague for some time, it never becomes confusing and as the story goes on Dagon grows only darker and more menacing.
5. Naming conventions
Laiskais? You have got to be kidding me. How do you even pronounce that? All of your names have been stumbling blocks (especially "Ulnocwa"). Making up names is difficult and I have seen precious few who have ever been good at it. Your names are difficult to sound out and they probably echo in an entirely different manner within my head than they do in yours. My advice is to use REAL names only (even if they are uncommon) and if you HAVE to use fake names, better to spell them as phonetically as possible. Is Laiskais pronounced "Lasskass" or "Lays-Kays?" Notice that I did not bring up the names of the other women, that is because they are so crammed full of letters that they are practically indistinguishable.
Again, a recurring theme amongst comments here (even for the anonymous person who thought this chapter was "Incredible") is that it is very difficult to tell who is who.
6. Disorientation
When Laiskais enters the Sister's wagon, it is impossible to tell what is going on! Why are you so fixated on being cute and withholding information? Just say that the Sister is a snake! Don't be cute and go "Ha ha! You thought she was a person! But no! Look, she slithers! See? She is a snake! Look how clever I am!"
The beauty in a story like this is not tricking the reader, but showing them openly the fantastic.